Trains and Candy Canes

Last Sunday my sister and I took Miles and Danika to see a model train set at the Library. Miles was so interested. He sat mesmerized most of the time.
Later that evening he got to decorate his first gingerbread house with the help of my mom and niece Adrianne. We took the parts and candy out of the box and the first thing he did was stuff his pockets with the largest pieces of candy. Boy is a planner. I wouldn't say the house is structurally sound but it tastes pretty good.

No MY Da ka!

These two are the best of friends provided Danika (Da Ka) is not trying to play with Miles' toys. Here they are perfecting the crawl

sharing a healthy lunch (dude, I'm busy ok?)

Danika supervising the bath

jumping!

Holidaze

Lights are up and the tree is done, or I should say it's "on" Last year we purchased a fake tree. Something I thought I would never do but Miles was getting into everything and it seemed like a good compromise. I have to say I kind of like it, not that it will replace a real tree but just for one more year as Danika is into everything now. It's all silver and kind of modern - my sister has a pink one that I love too. You just take this thing out of the box, stick it together plug it in and it's Christmas. Done.
Having kids has it's advantages. They allow you to board the plane sooner, they eat free on Tuesdays, you can dress them up how you want and they can't do anything about it

but perhaps my latest favorite is how they make holidays so much better. I have always been a sap for holidays but it's so much more special with them around. Miles is old enough to get what's going on and look forward to things, which opens up a whole different game. He knows Santa is coming and he's going to put a candy cane in his stocking. For him. To eat. That's pretty much the best thing that could EVER happen, so Santa's in good. I want to do everything , go to every parade and Holiday show, to show them everything I can because there is so much to see.

Boo!

All Aboard! Miles is Two

Miles turned two years old on the 18th which kicked off a week of birthday activities. We started with a little party with my PEP group and his little friends and then there was a visit to his favorite bowling alley. We finished off with a lovely (quiet, calm, short!), party at the railroad museum which was appropriate as his favorite thing right now is trains. Trains all day, everyday. He was surrounded by his favorite things and more importantly by his favorite people. He gets more wonderful everyday and he is truly cherished.

So Nice

Robert and I just got back from a 3 night trip away. Alone. Without kids. It was so wonderful that we decided to make it a priority to get away for at least 2 nights once a year. It was just so nice to relate only as a couple and to take our time doing everything. The drive took 6 hours and we just talked all the way. We haven't talked that much in years and it was great. The more he talks, the more impressed I am. Oh, and the hotel room was amazing. It was so CLEAN and someone came to clean it everyday. Someone other than me. If you know me you know this is the way into my heart. It was heavenly. We missed the kids a ton of course and spent much of our time talking about things we love about them and doing impersonations of Miley. Coming home and having him drop his toys and run into our arms was gold. We will be smothering him for days. Strangly Danika wants nothing to do with me which is something I didn't expect - she won't breastfeed and when I hold her she cries and I can feel her body pulling away from me. Hopefully this will be all taken care of by morning :)

I'm at the end of today's rope. There is a rope for every day. I'm having a glass of wine in front of the computer with iTunes blasting so I can't hear the screaming coming from the bedroom. Danika is just not sleeping during the day. I swear I have only had a break from holding for 10-15 minutes in the last 10 hours. I've gotten her to sleep 6-7 times but every time I put her down she wakes up and finally I just had to leave her for a few minutes. Not really because I think she'll go to sleep, because I don't, but because I'm fixin to lose it here. I remember going through this with Miles. It's hard because you get your hopes up and start to think about what you're going to do once they are down - it's so close you can touch it, but it's always out of your grasp when they won't cooperate. Miles is with his grandparents and so this is her big opportunity, there is no sleeping when Miles is here because I don't have the time to dedicate to putting her down and he wakes her up. I fantasize about those people who do nap time by just putting the baby in the crib, closing the door and walking away. Then again, I don't really know any people like that.
This is pretty negative..but maybe no one is reading it :)

Danika - 6 months

Sleep training cont.

On the 2nd night of sleep training, I let Danika cry for 35 minutes and then I caved. I ran into the bedroom and made a deal with Robert in true Secord fashion. I said hey, why don't we just split the nights going forward and I'll get up with her between 10-2 and you can handle 2-6. Part of me wishes Robert had not let me cave so easily but before he could even agree I was in Danika's room with my boob in her mouth. Oh well. I guess this means I haven't really "had it".

Kudos me

me: "I'm going to the gym today"
Robert: "you?"

I went to the gym today for the first time since before I gave birth to Miles. The key is...to go again.

Sleep Training. Yuck.

Sleep training starts tonight for Danika. We, or I should say mostly "I" have been getting up with her anywhere from 1 to 5 times a night and the time has come to see if she can fall asleep on her own so that she may be able to get back to sleep on her own when she wakes up. I hate the whole thing. I really do, but we did it with Miles and it worked and he's been a great sleeper ever since. I just have to remind myself that she won't remember any of it and she'll still love us tomorrow.

So far it's gone well. I put her in her crib awake, she cried and then went back to sleep when Robert went in to console her after 5 minutes. Hopefully it will continue. If not I have plenty of booze and an ample supply of ear plugs.

Rockin the Talkin

Miles has made tremendous progress vocally in the last few weeks. All of the sudden we are having conversations with him. TWO sided ones. He's saying 3 or 4 words together and is really able to express what he wants. This is good and bad because it means I am forever responding to requests for this or that. I do draw the line, but some days I'm still figuring out where I want it. He's become very particular as well, wanting drinks in certain cups and for you to push him on the swing only by touching his feet. It trips me out to ask him questions and have him say "Yeah". "You're pretty hyper, did grandpa give you soda at his house?" "Yeah." "Did daddy have strippers here while mommy was at the store?" "Yeah".

I have been told that kids are great until they start talking, but so far I really enjoy talking with this kid. Sure he asks for more stuff and it's sometimes more work, but he can also say "I love you mommy" and folks there's nothing better.

Give me strength

Things are tough here lately. Miles is really struggling. He just does not want me to have anything to do with Danika. When it's just the 3 of us at home he has a complete meltdown when I go to hold / change / feed her. I am trying to use distraction and I have also committed to spending at least 30 minutes playing on the floor with him without Danika around, but so far it's not effective. It breaks my heart. I feel for him but at the same time I still need to meet her basic needs.
Normally this blog is just about me sharing my experience and I'm not really interested in commentary about my parenting choices however if anyone has been there and has any advice, I'm all ears.

No Go

I officially de-enrolled Miles from pre-school. He was so clearly traumatized that it wasn't worth it. I had always told myself I would try it but not push it if he wasn't ready considering his young age. If he was 2 and 1/2 I would say hey, we just have to get through this even if it's tough, but he's not. After only being left there twice for 30 minutes each time, he showed major signs of stress and he's still working through it. He started calling me and checking on me ALL the time at the house and he doesn't want to do anything alone anymore. Also if I leave him with Robert at the house he gets a little upset. The most disturbing thing was when I left him with my mom at her house and my dad called 30 minutes later to have me come back and get him because he was inconsolable. That blew my mind since he adores my mom and I've left him there tons of times. I'll try again around April and hopefully it will turn out better.

Poor little guy

I left Miley at preschool today for the 1st time. I left him at 8:30am and they called me by 9:15 to come and get him. When I arrived I could hear him screaming before I had even pulled into a parking place. He was officially upset. I asked for advice on what to do next time and they recommended I only leave for 1/2 hour on Friday and slowly increase the time I am gone to help build the trust that every time I leave, I will come back. I then had to get used to the fact that this won't actually provide me with any kind of a break, on the contrary it will be more work, for some time. I am nauseous and filled with doubt. Is this the right thing? It he too young? Do I need that second cup of coffee? hmm

Daddy's Girl

First Day of School!

Miles started preschool today. I stayed with him just to help get his acclimated with the place and the people. The kids are really nice and it all went pretty well. Getting out of the house was stressful - I'll have to learn to be a little more organized with that. Getting two kids under two out of the house by 8am means there can be no wasted motion. He's playing with his good friend Emily up top. The last picture is him offering play-dough to the fish. Naturally.

When he goes again on Friday, I'll leave him there by himself.

Probably.

Two Words. Gripe Water

So, I'm not usually into stuff like this but I was recently visiting my friend who has triplets. Naturally. 3 boys. AND a two-year old.
Anyway, I had hoped this would make me feel better about my light load in comparison, but no luck, as her babies were the vision of happiness and apparently only cry when hungry or tired. OMG. She recommended this gripe water called Baby's Bliss for Danika who was of course crying during most of the visit. I don't know if it worked or it was just "her time" to pull out of this but since that day she has been a different kid. Not perfect of course but the crying time has gone down to an hour or two at most and this has made all the difference. Now we just have to work on the fact that she still can only be held by me, Robert or sometimes our Neice Adrianne without screaming and that she says she wants to go into politics to make some changes around here. Christ.

Breathing

Things are kind of hairy here. Danika is still crying for 4-5 hours a day. People think she has gas/tummy troubles. Miles has recently started acting out a little and getting physically aggressive. This could be just a terrible two thing or maybe he needs more one on one attention, either way it makes the long days even longer.
This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done, having these two kids so close together. Hopefully I will come out of it a better and more patient person. Sure, there are nice moments throughout the day when one or both of them is being especially cute or essentially any moment when they are both not crying, but a lot of it is just freakin chaos. And you should see my house right now. I can hardly bring myself to look around, it makes me tense up so much. I'm a clean person. I like things to be neat and clean, it's one of the reasons I like to stay at hotels so much. Every day I do laundry and dishes and clean up the whole house and every night it looks like 6 college age dudes live there.

Something

This morning I signed Miles up to start preschool on July 1st. The place seems great and all his little friends are going to go there too. It was like Disneyland, there were toys and craft projects everywhere and plenty of outdoor space to run around and get dirty. It's only for 12 hours a week and even though he's really young I think he's ready for something like that and that he'll have a good time, a better time than he does hanging around here especially now that so much of my attention is going towards Danika. That said, the moment I got off the phone with the woman, I wanted to call her back and cancel the whole thing.
I feel something inside.
Something big.
Something sad.

Kahlua in my coffee this morning..

So that babysitter said she would come this morning at 9am to "make up" for her absence yesterday and she did not show up AGAIN. I didn't even ask her to come today, she offered to. She didn't call. Nothing. We are done before we've even begun and now I have to find someone else. I just can't believe she did it again, I'm really shocked. The timing could hardly be worse.

@#$!!&%!!

I've been looking forward to having my babysitter start helping me for 12 hours a week since last month. She was supposed to start today but she forgot and didn't show up. 2:00 came and went...just devastating.

To My Babies..

Happy mother's day to the ones who made me a mother.

Miles, you are such a joy. You're just the nicest child and you're too cute for words. Every day you do something new and bring countless smiles to my face. Thanks for your patience with me as I figure out how to juggle two kids.

Danika, you're growing up too fast. When I'm breast feeding you I keep looking down at how long you seem. You are so precious. I think you know who I am now, at least I feel you do. Your brother is a constant reminder of how fast you will grow. Someday soon you'll be making me drop you off a block before your destination so your friends don't see, but for now I'm going to hold on tight as you nestle your little body against mine.

I love you both

Today

Here are some recent pictures of the kids. Danika has been less fussy and actually taking naps by herself of decent length which has really changed the way I feel at the end of the day. I can get stuff done when I'm just watching Miles but when I have Danika up too and she screams every time I put her down, things just pile up throughout the day. Miles has been so great. I thought he would act up and show his frustration more with the baby around but he's actually stopped doing some of his normal "stuff" like throwing food from the high chair and such. He's just precious and I really enjoy being around him (today).

Two is easier than one, and other lies

Danika is 2 months old today. The last couple of days have been hell. For some reason she has not been napping during the day and she cries constantly. They say (I read it in The Female Brain - great book ladies), baby girls pick up their mother's moods more than boys so perhaps that is what's going on here. My mom says that when I was very young I picked up on her moods instantly, even when she tried her hardest to conceal them if she had been having a tough day. I have been extra stressed as my mom shattered her ankle in a fall and has been in the hospital for the last week - she doesn't deserve any of the difficult recovery she faces. This is a picture after surgery. It's hard because I want to be with her all the time but I have these other responsibilities so I'm not nearly as available as I'd like to be. I'm so glad our whole family is living here right now so we can be near her and hopefully make her recovery a little better.

Better stuff

I should be sleeping but I can't resist spending some time in my house alone while everyone else sleeps (including that baby I mentioned earlier). Here are some recent pictures. That's grandma's hat Miles in wearing. We love grandma.

Oh. My. God.

I'm looking for some sympathy here. This baby, my baby, has not had a nap consisting of more than 10 minutes for the last 12 hours. Yes, it's 8:30 right now and she woke up at 8am this morning (after being up from 3am-5:30am) and has not really slept since. Every time I put her down she cries. This morning I was in the kitchen with the dishwasher running and the laundry running, cooking breakfast for Miles while he and Danika cried. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I hurt all over.

Suckcess!

Just a quick post to say that breastfeeding is officially working after 6 weeks of slight discomfort (my ass). It's now a "pleasant experience for both of us" like the books said it would be from the start, but whatever.

Danika House

I haven't posted any pictures of Danika in a while because she has a nasty acne rash all over her face but the hell with it, here are a couple of recent shots. The first one was taken this morning as she realized that Robert had eaten all of the bacon and left none for her.

She's growing like a weed - already weighs 10.5 lbs so we're going to try to slow down on all the formula "snacks". Sometimes it's just easier to feed them when they seem hungry rather than go through all that soothing cha cha to see if you can hold them off.